Wednesday, 1 May 2019

6 NEW BANDS: THE SLUDGELORD's "666 Pack Review" (April 2019)

By: Nikos Mixas

Hello April and hello spring!  Most of that white shit has melted away for most of you out there, but if you’re like me and live in a fucking desert, I’ve already been running my air-conditioning in my vehicle and my home for about a month now. THE SLUDGELORD doesn’t really give two fucks about this, however, THE SLUDGELORD does give a fuck about new bands submitting to the “666 Pack Review” so I’ll stop fucking around and jump right into April’s victims. BTW, if you’re new to this, each and every month we handpick 6 review submissions and critique them by only using 6 words, then we rate them on a scale from 1 to 666!  Check out our hot as balls rating scale below: 

1 – This score means you’re cold as fuck on a scale based on heat.  Sucks huh?
2 – You’re about as hot as Pee Wee Herman hugging a huge teddy bear.  Not really hawt. 
3 – You know when you turn on your hot water faucet in the dead of winter and it only gets lukewarm?  Yeah…that’s about it. 
4 – Mowing the lawn in May. That’s kind of toasty.     
5 – Psycho Las Vegas in dead of August.  It scalds in several ways.   
666 – Your offering to THE SLUDGELORD is absolutely hot as hell, or purgatory, or Gehenna, or Hades or whatever synonym we care to use!   

Caveat:  Even though the “666 Pack Review” is meant to offer humorous critique, there are no safe spaces here and your gripes will only make you sound like a bellyacher.  THE SLUDGELORD is a picky listener…and doesn’t care what you think of his opinions….

1). Dead River Kings “Hymns of Hope and Despair” (Teeside, United Kingdom)    Rating: 3

Generic groove metal with meh vocals

2). Moon Goose “Source Code” (Cardigan, United Kingdom)   Rating: 5

Fucking hot spacey jizz boogie lotion.

3). Grim Earth “Smoke Bloody Nugs” (Olympia, WA, U.S.A) Rating: 3

Sludge Metal ala Taime Downe…siqqq 

4). Working Men’s Club “Premium Champion” (London, United Kingdom)   Rating: 4

This band is hot for NAILS 

5). Mireplaner “A Mountain of Saola Hooves” (Finland)   Rating: 666!

Guaranteed to cardiac arrest old people.

6). Carcolh “Rising Sons of Saturn” (Bordeaux, France) Rating: 2

A drunken Uncle Acid.  Very drunk.