Saturday, 13 April 2019

6 NEW BANDS: THE SLUDGELORD's "666 Pack Review" (March 2019)

By: Nikos Mixas

It’s already March.  Technically speaking, the year is already almost 25% over and as far as THE SLUDGELORD’s “666 Pack Review” is concerned, it’s been an OK year so far.  So, THE SLUDGELORD has a request this month.  Can we please have some audience participation?  In the comments section, let’s hear what some of your favorite submissions have been so far up to this point. We’re intrigued to know if anybody reads this column and listens to the bands that submit their music only to have their dreams of sold out stadium shows and countless groupies to be ultimately crushed by THE SLUDGELORD.   BTW, if you’re new to this, each and every month we handpick 6 review submissions and critique them by only using 6 words, then we rate them on a scale from 1 to 666!  Check out our uninspired rating scale below: 

1 – This is the lowest rating you can achieve you losers. 
2 – And this score is a smidge better than landing a 1.  Feel good about yourself yet?
3 – A perfect average.  Congrats…. yawn…
4 – Four?  Start high fiving yourself and your pets.      
5 – Oh…so close to a 666, but no banana for you!  
666 – You can’t go any higher with us.  You should feel great about, now go tell all your friends and family.  Maybe they’ll care?

Caveat:  Even though the “666 Pack Review” is meant to offer humorous critique, there are no safe spaces here and your gripes will only make you sound like a bellyacher.  THE SLUDGELORD is a picky listener…and doesn’t care what you think of his opinions….

1). The biggest Thing Since Powdered Milk “EP (a) Alpha” (Cardiff, UK) Rating: 2

George Thorogood meets Weird Al Yankovic.

2). Gorgonchrist “Blood of Endangered Species” (United Kingdom) Rating: 5

Fans of splattergrind will dig this.

3). Flame, Dear Flame “The Millennial Heartbeat” (Brunswick, Germany) Rating: 3

Poor man’s version of Witch Mountain.

4). Green Inferno “Demo” (New Jersey, U.S.A.)   Rating: 1

Ripping Sleep AND Weedeater??? Try again…  

5). MU CEPHEI “Mantras of the Uniformed mind” (Maynooth, Ireland) Rating: 4

My subconscious drunken state would dig. 

6). Blunt Horse “Clawing Through Earth and Flesh” (Washington D.C., U.S.A.)   Rating: 2

If Voivod decided to dumb down.