Wednesday, 12 June 2019

6 NEW BANDS: THE SLUDGELORD's "666 Pack Review" (May 2019)

May is here and that means a few things are afoot.  Some of you are wrapping up your studies and graduating to join the rest of us in real life misery…AND…the metal festival season is almost upon us.  Some bands are ok with hanging out in their garage and playing to their drunken friends for gratification, but others aspire to hopefully tour the world and play the summer metal festival circuit someday.  THE SLUDGELORD can’t make any promises on the latter, but what we can do is help your band get some free promotion by submitting your tunes for this monthly column even if you suck!  So, if you’re new to this, each and every month we handpick 6 review submissions and critique them by only using 6 words, then we rate them on a scale from 1 to 666!  Check out our “May your festival pipe dreams not suck” rating scale below: 

1 – Your garage hates you.  Just stop.  
2 – Get some wood, make a stage and steal a couple of lava lamps from a hippie for lighting effect.  This is as close you’ll get to playing a festival. 
3 – You know that local “promoter” that throws 15 local bands together and calls it a festival?  You’re good enough for that. 
4 – You need to get out on the road and push your product.  You’ll land a nice regional fest invite for sure.      
5 – Wacken Open Air holds local auditions and the winners get to invited to play this mammoth festival.   You should enter the contest next year. 
666THE SLUDGELORD should organize the sludgiest of all festivals and make you the headliner.  Wishful thinking…but…you never know???

Caveat:  Even though the “666 Pack Review” is meant to offer humorous critique, there are no safe spaces here and your gripes will only make you sound like a bellyacher.  THE SLUDGELORD is a picky listener…and doesn’t care what you think of his opinions….

1). Kavod “Wheel Of Time” (Perugia, Italy)    Rating: 4

The comparisons to Om are warranted.

2). MA-AT “Find Evil, Feel Fine” (Cape Town, South Africa)   Rating: 2

Plodding and muddy.  Bad combination indeed…

3). Black Seal “SATI” (Delray Beach, FL, U.S.A) Rating: 2

If Kyuss was ADHD on cocaine. 

4). Inhuman Nature “Inhuman Nature” (London, United Kingdom)   Rating: 666!

Sexy thrash ala the Bay Area!

5). Sky Burial “Sokushinbutsu” (Amsterdam, Netherlands)   Rating: 3

Killer tones, but needs more drugs. 

6). Dead Sacraments “Celestial Throne” (Chicago, Illinois, U.S.A.)  Rating: 5

Maybe a Dark Lord Day invite?