6 NEW BANDS: THE SLUDGELORD's "666 Pack Review" (44th Edition)

Welcome to the 44ths edition of the “666 Pack Review”.  Last time, I do not believe there was a single score of 666 and we even provided the bands with “the future is so bright!” scoring motif.  This time around, we’re going negative because that’s the only thing that seems to be consistent throughout 2020.  So, if you’re new to this, we handpick 6 review submissions and critique them by only using 6 words, then we rate them on a scale from 1 to 666!  Check out our “fuck everything” rating scale below: 

 

1 – You’re wasting yours AND our fucking time. 

2 – Fucking A.  At least it’s better than a 1.   

3 – Only three fucks to give?  Fuck it.

4 – This isn’t that fucking bad, at least you fucking tried.

5 – Fuck! You were sooooo close.  That’s your fucking clue that you need to try fucking harder next time. 

666 – It’s about fucking time.  THE SLUDGELORD is very fucking proud of you…now fuck off.   

 

Caveat:  Even though the “666 Pack Review” is meant to offer humorous critique, there are no safe spaces here and your gripes will only make you sound like a bellyacher.  THE SLUDGELORD is a picky listener…and doesn’t care what you think of his opinions….

1). Unbelievable Lake “Forgive” (Belfast, United Kingdom) Rating: 5

 

Because they recorded at a church.

2). Legion and the Thieves “Through Painted Skies” (Pensacola, Florida, U.S.A.)   Rating: 5

 

Talent is there, but lacking flux.

  

3). Catapult The Sun “Human Empire Fails” – Athens, Greece Rating: 5

 

Heavier than Ouzo.  Zeus is proud. 

 

4). Burial Fog “Burial Fog” (Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, U.S.A.)   Rating: 2

 

Please fog my ears…uninspired doom.

 

  

5). Huntress of Stars “Borrowed Eyes With Which to Sorrow” (Illinois, U.S.A.)  Rating: 3

 

More average doom.  Fuck my life. 

  

6). Chimney Creeps “Nosedive” (New York, U.S.A)   Rating: 2

 

Desert rock belongs in the desert. 

Band info: Chimney Creeps || Burial Fog || Catapult the Sun || Legion and the Thieves || Unbelievable Lake

6 NEW BANDS: THE SLUDGELORD's "666 Pack Review" (June 2020)

By: Nikos Mixas

Every month seems to be a repeat of the previous month, no shows, limited releases and plenty of mask wearing. The “666 Pack Review” could just rehash the same drivel but no…. In fact, we’re going to project a more positive outlook this month.  So, if you’re new to this, each and every month we handpick 6 review submissions and critique them by only using 6 words, then we rate them on a scale from 1 to 666!  Check out our “the future is so bright” rating scale below:  

1 – Your future is so bright, because you’ll quit music altogether after this score. 

2 – Your future is so bright, you scored better than a 1. 

3 – Your future is so bright, because average is the norm of what most music is nowadays.  You’re right on target.

4 – Your future is so bright, Don Dokken is probably finished now and you’re just getting started.  (I just had to fit in a Don Dokken reference in this month somehow. I know it’s a reach, but it worked)      

5 – Your future is so bright, Sunn0))) is jealous of this score. Haha…no?

666 – THE SLUDGELORD won’t acknowledge your future being so bright, but a 666 goes a long way as far as bragging rights are concerned on this site. 

Caveat:  Even though the “666 Pack Review” is meant to offer humorous critique, there are no safe spaces here and your gripes will only make you sound like a bellyacher.  THE SLUDGELORD is a picky listener…and doesn’t care what you think of his opinions….

1). King Marm “TRASH” (England, United Kingdom) Rating: 2

I’m not drunk enough for this

 

2). Wolkberg “Wolkberg” (Pretoria, South Africa) Rating: 3

Robert Fripp with a jumpy drummer.

 

3). The Choir “A Beautiful Fore Scorch Our Hands” (Singapore) Rating: 3

Early Paradise Lost without any grace.

 

4). Bloodswamp “Daylight Illuminates A Miserable World” (London, United Kingdom) Rating: 2

This band needs recording lessons STAT.

 

5). Godless-Mind “Scissions” (Lille, France) Rating: 5

If Perturbator quit edm and chilled.

6). Flesh Temple “Lamentations” (Edmonton, Alberta, Canada) Rating: 3

I can’t get past their name… 

Band info: King Marm || Godless Mind || Flesh Temple

6 NEW BANDS: THE SLUDGELORD's "666 Pack Review" (May 2020)

By: Nikos Mixas

This year is turning out to be an interesting one indeed.  A plague has crippled the world, protests and riots have been commonplace lately and there’s a meteor on a collision course for earth….err…I made that last one up.  But hey!  All of this sounds like fodder for lyrical material for eons to come.  THE SLUDGELORD expects to see a lot of doom and gloom when you email your tunes to us for this monthly column.  So, if you’re new to this, each and every month we handpick 6 review submissions and critique them by only using 6 words, then we rate them on a scale from 1 to 666!  Check out our “the end of the world” rating scale below: 

1 – The end is now.  At least for you.   

2 – Go find and climb into a bomb shelter soon.  Not to save yourself, but to practice a whole bunch more.

3 – The law of averages says that you’ll be the same after all this shakes out… 

4 – You can take off that mask and put down that sign.  Things are looking up for this band.       

5 – Even rubber bullets and a high fever can’t stop you.  Get out there and play…. when venues open up that is. 

666 – THE SLUDGELORD does not fret when the world is coming to an end.  THE SLUDGELORD only listens when the score is 666!

Caveat:  Even though the “666 Pack Review” is meant to offer humorous critique, there are no safe spaces here and your gripes will only make you sound like a bellyacher.  The Sludgelord is a picky listener…and doesn’t care what you think of his opinions….

1). Lammping “Forest For The Trees” (Toronto, Ontario, Canada) Rating:  3

Flower power, or maybe…flour powder? 

2). TRWLR “ATOLLA” (Copenhagen, Denmark) Rating: 4

Soundtrack for rioting and for migraines.

3). Squelch Chamber “Down So Low” (Pennsylvania, U.S.A) Rating: 4

Napalm Death and Assuck love child. 

4). Vitskar Suden “Vitskar Suden” (Los Angeles, California, U.S.A.) Rating: 4

Maybe if I was a stoner???

5). Rickshaw Billie’s Burger Patrol “Burger Babes…From Outer Space!” (Austin, Texas, U.S.A.) Rating: 666!

 Fucking needed this injection of boogie!

6). Mazzeri “Mazzeri” (Corsica, France)   Rating: 2

The flavors haven’t settled just yet.

Band info: Trwlr || Squelch Chamber || Vitskar Suden || Mazzeri

6 NEW BANDS: THE SLUDGELORD'S "666 Pack Review" (April 2020)

By: Nikos Mixas

Well, it’s been two months since THE SLUDGELORD has been in quarantine and it fucking sucks as bad as Ozzy’s latest attempt to make music…The good news is that the music you guys send in is still better than that atrocity.  But in all seriousness, no live shows, festivals, zip, nada, diddly squat for the unforeseeable future is the worst part about all of this and we know that we’re preaching to the choir here.  However, the “666 Pack Review” is here for the bored masses.  BTW, if you’re new to this, each and every month we handpick 6 review submissions and critique them by only using 6 words, then we rate them on a scale from 1 to 666!  Check out our all shades of Ozzy rating scale below: 

1) This is the score we would give any of Ozzy’s most recent decade’s worth of albums without even listening to them.  Whatever we just heard just now is worse than all of them combined.

2) Remember Ozzy’s hair and clown garb during “The Ultimate Sin” era?  This is the score we gave that shit.  Your band is just as ridiculous. 

3) When Ozzy recruited Zakk Wylde and he made pinch harmonics a thing, well…it was kind of cool and kind of not.  Yup, same thing for this band.

4) A long time ago in a galaxy far, far, away, Ozzy relieved himself on The Alamo and bit the heads off of live animals.  That’s legit.  So is this band.     

5) “Diary of a Madman” and “Blizzard of Ozz” kind of glory starting to happen right here. 

666) Let’s get fucking crazy!!!  We love you all!!! 

Caveat:  Even though the “666 Pack Review” is meant to offer humorous critique, there are no safe spaces here and your gripes will only make you sound like a bellyacher.  THE SLUDGELORD is a picky listener…and doesn’t care what you think of his opinions….

1). Starspawn of Cthulhu “Yog-Sothothery” (Vicenza, Italy)    Rating: 3

If Candlemass went full death metal.

2). Gavran “Still Unavailing” (Rotterdam, Netherlands)   Rating: 5

Shoegazey and progressive, yet not pretentious.

3). Phe “Glooming Dawn” (Helmond, Netherlands) Rating: 3

Oh my!  Another stoner rock band!!! 

4). Vulture Neck “Mountain Giant” (Stockholm, Sweden)   Rating: 2

St. Vitus riffage with constipated vocals. 

5). Hypnochron “Hypnochron” (Chicago, Illinois, U.S.A.)   Rating: 5

Groovy. Fuzzy. Heavy. Composed. Instrumental. Interesting.

6). Maussade “INSIIPIIIDE” (France) Rating: 666!!!

Sharon!!! What the bloody hell!! - Ozzy

Band info: Phe || Vulture Neck || Hypnochron || Maussade

6 NEW BANDS: The Sludgelord's "666 Pack Review" (March 2020)

By: Nikos Mixas

Ah, March....(yes we know it’s April but the editor is slow) Normally I’d be writing something quippy regarding the onset of spring but in times of a worldwide pandemic, I won’t pretend not to notice that things are very different today in music or otherwise.  THE SLUDGELORD will still continue to call out lame bands, but at the same time, it’s still entertainment in the grand scheme of things and we need all we can afford during this epoch in time. BTW, if you’re new to this, each and every month we handpick 6 review submissions and critique them by only using 6 words, then we rate them on a scale from 1 to 666!  Check out our current events themed rating scale below: 

1 – So, why don’t you do us all a favor and self-quarantine your band until you’ve practiced some more.  
2 – Do your instruments a favor and don’t touch them anymore!
3 – Being average in times of hyper self-promotion will not bode well for this band. 

4 – You should live stream your practices, this is good stuff.      

5 – Have you thought about touring once this blows over?  

666 – THE SLUDGELORD commends your hard work, talent and overall persistence to bring joy to our ears in times of gloom.  Congrats again! 

Caveat:  Even though the “666 Pack Review” is meant to offer humorous critique, there are no safe spaces here and your gripes will only make you sound like a bellyacher.  THE SLUDGELORD is a picky listener…and doesn’t care what you think of his opinions….

1). Sundowner “Sundowner” – (Adelaide, Austrailia)    ating: 4

If Sleep and Weedeater made love.

2). Matador “They Were Here Before Us” – (Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada)   Rating: 4

Russian Circles and Pelican lovers rejoice. 

3). Charmstone “Charmstone” – (Valley Stream, New York, U.S.A.) Rating: 3

Non sludge rock band with balls.

4). Enshrine “Dying Bed w/ Fallen Prey”– (Belfast, Ireland)   Rating: 2

If The Cult tried to metal.

5). Dendrites “Grow” – (Volos, Greece)   Rating: 5

They make a nice souvlaki soundscape.

6). Vault “Dread Within” – (Fortaleza, CE, Brazil) Rating: 2

Genre confusion reigns supreme here.

Band info: Sundowner || Matador || Dendrites || Vault 

6 NEW BANDS: THE SLUDGELORD's "666 Pack Review" (February 2020)

By: Nikos Mixas

It’s the February 2020 version of THE SLUDGELORD’s “666 Pack Review” and we’re hoping for some better representation this month because last month pretty much SUCKED!  Maybe 2019 was such a good year for new tunes that our expectations are really high right now.  Get it together 2020 bands!   If you’re new to this, each and every month we handpick 6 review submissions and critique them by only using 6 words, then we rate them on a scale from 1 to 666!  Check out our motivational rating scale below:  

1 – The only inspirational thing we can say is that you’re only 3 spots away from relevance.  
2 – What can I say about two?  At least you didn’t get a rating of 1!  

3 – Most bands are average that we listen to, but you only have to try a little bit harder to be above average. 

4 – Music fans like bands that are better than average, and that’s what you are…just slightly…         

5 – You’re almost there!  Next time you’ll nail that 666!  

666 – THE SLUDGELORD commends you for all your hard work and effort put into your submission.  Brag to all that care to listen about your 666!

Caveat:  Even though the 666 Pack Review is meant to offer humorous critique, there are no safe spaces here and your gripes will only make you sound like a bellyacher.  THE SLUDGELORD is a picky listener…and doesn’t care what you think of his opinions….

1). Moratorium, “Night Mothers” (Ottawa, Canada) Rating: 666!

Night Mothering February the fuck up!

 

2). Deer Lord, “Deer Lord” (Santa Rosa, CA, U.S.A.)   Rating: 4

Boogie down safe stoner slut sounds.

 

3). Settlement, “What Once Was” (Buffalo, NY, U.S.A.)   Rating: 5

Settlement not settling on being average…

 

4). Harvest of Ash, “Deadlights [EP]” (Salt Lake City, UT U.S.A.)  Rating: 4

Wonkily produced, but nice riffage wins.   

 

5). Ultracombo, “Season 1” (Vicenza, Italy) Rating: 666!

Desert grooves making headway in Italy!

 

6). Alconaut, “Sand Turns to Tide” (Bastia, France) Rating: 3

Riffs straight out of the 80’s.

6 NEW BANDS: THE SLUDGELORD's "666 Pack Review" (January 2020)

By: Nikos Mixas

Wow! The “666 Pack review” made it to a new decade and we can affirm without a doubt that 2020 is going to be even more heartless, demeaning and crass than the previous years. Why? Because THE SLUDGELORD has the testicular fortitude to say what other reviewers won’t!!!  If you suck, we’re not going to sugarcoat it.  If you rule, we’re going to make sure everyone knows about it.  And if you’re new to this, each and every month we handpick 6 review submissions and critique them by only using 6 words, then we rate them on a scale from 1 to 666!  Check out our there’s no hope for you this decade rating scale below: 

1 – You should go bye bye just like 2019 did…

2 – The good news is that you have a whole decade to get better, the bad news is that you probably won’t.  

3 – The 2010’s were above average as far as heavy music was concerned.  You can do better or take up a real hobby like review writing instead.

4 – Being one of the first bands reviewed for this decade, not too shabby so far.       

5 – We feel like you’re setting the bar higher for the new year.  Better than sucking.     

666 – THE SLUDGELORD believes you’ll be mentioned again during December’s best of 2020 write up, excellent job fuckers!

Caveat:  Even though the “666 Pack Review” is meant to offer humorous critique, there are no safe spaces here and your gripes will only make you sound like a bellyacher.  THE SLUDGELORD is a picky listener…and doesn’t care what you think of his opinions….

Astralborne “Eternity’s End” (Toledo, OH, U.S.A.)    Rating: 3

Possibly Dethklok’s 7^th somewhat talented cousin…. 

Lamassu “Into The Empty” (Melbourne, Australia)   Rating: 5

Dude has range like Chris Cornell…

Blasphematory “Depths of the Obscurity“ (New Jersey, U.S.A.)   Rating: 4

Crude old school ghoulish death metal.  

Lapsarian “Ruminant” (Washington, D.C., U.S.A.)   Rating: 4

Mostly for fans of “post” anything.

Psychocoven “Black Magic Rites” (Katowice, Poland)  Rating: 3

Bobby Liebling, are you in here?  

Imipolex “Order of The Epimethean Flame” (Portland, ME, U.S.A.)   Rating: 5

Chaotic, grindy blackened death, techy explosions.