Tuesday 2 June 2020

6 NEW BANDS: THE SLUDGELORD'S "666 Pack Review" (April 2020)

By: Nikos Mixas

Well, it’s been two months since THE SLUDGELORD has been in quarantine and it fucking sucks as bad as Ozzy’s latest attempt to make music…The good news is that the music you guys send in is still better than that atrocity.  But in all seriousness, no live shows, festivals, zip, nada, diddly squat for the unforeseeable future is the worst part about all of this and we know that we’re preaching to the choir here.  However, the “666 Pack Review” is here for the bored masses.  BTW, if you’re new to this, each and every month we handpick 6 review submissions and critique them by only using 6 words, then we rate them on a scale from 1 to 666!  Check out our all shades of Ozzy rating scale below: 

1) This is the score we would give any of Ozzy’s most recent decade’s worth of albums without even listening to them.  Whatever we just heard just now is worse than all of them combined.
2) Remember Ozzy’s hair and clown garb during “The Ultimate Sin” era?  This is the score we gave that shit.  Your band is just as ridiculous. 
3) When Ozzy recruited Zakk Wylde and he made pinch harmonics a thing, well…it was kind of cool and kind of not.  Yup, same thing for this band.
4) A long time ago in a galaxy far, far, away, Ozzy relieved himself on The Alamo and bit the heads off of live animals.  That’s legit.  So is this band.     
5) “Diary of a Madman” and “Blizzard of Ozz” kind of glory starting to happen right here. 
666) Let’s get fucking crazy!!!  We love you all!!! 

Caveat:  Even though the “666 Pack Review” is meant to offer humorous critique, there are no safe spaces here and your gripes will only make you sound like a bellyacher.  THE SLUDGELORD is a picky listener…and doesn’t care what you think of his opinions….

1). Starspawn of Cthulhu “Yog-Sothothery” (Vicenza, Italy)    Rating: 3

If Candlemass went full death metal.

2). Gavran “Still Unavailing” (Rotterdam, Netherlands)   Rating: 5

Shoegazey and progressive, yet not pretentious.

3). Phe “Glooming Dawn” (Helmond, Netherlands) Rating: 3

Oh my!  Another stoner rock band!!! 

4). Vulture Neck “Mountain Giant” (Stockholm, Sweden)   Rating: 2

St. Vitus riffage with constipated vocals. 

5). Hypnochron “Hypnochron” (Chicago, Illinois, U.S.A.)   Rating: 5

Groovy. Fuzzy. Heavy. Composed. Instrumental. Interesting.

6). Maussade “INSIIPIIIDE” (France) Rating: 666!!!

Sharon!!! What the bloody hell!! - Ozzy

Band info: Phe || Vulture Neck || Hypnochron || Maussade